Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 8 In-Laws

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 8

In-Laws

Storyline

Debra's parents invite all of the Barones to a night out at a fancy French restaurant. While they're there, Raymond makes an inappropriate comment that gets him in trouble with both families.

Quotes

• Frank: I don't appreciate the French. As people. They're annoying. Truly.
• Frank: How much is the food?
  Waiter: $320.
  Frank: Holy crap!
  Lois: You're not allowed to look at the prices. Our treat.
  Frank: Warren! Wake up! This guy has both of his hands in your pocket.
• Debra: I always thought Vietnam was a wonderful place! I would love to visit it.
  Ray: Or you can rent Apocalypse Now.
• (talking about waiters)
  Robert: They give me the willies. Always putting you on the spot, you know? It's like...authority figures.
  Ray: Authority figures? You're a police sergeant, okay? You outrank the waiter.
• (talking about the restaurant that they're at)
  Robert: Isn't this one of those joints with those dressed-up waiters?
  Ray: Yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with dressed up waiters?
  Robert: They give me the willies.
• Ray: Look, you have to see your in-laws, alright? They're gonna be across the street. What, are you gonna hide?
  Frank: I got a chair now, up in the attic.
• Frank: Here. (hands him a coupon) Jell-o for the kids, save 30 cents.
  Ray: Oh, thanks, Dad, now I can buy that boat.
• (Ray walks into Marie's house)
  Ray: Hi.
  Frank: Hello, Ray.
  Marie: Hi.
  Ray: Hey.
  Marie: You hungry?
  Ray: No, no, I just ate.
  Marie: (goes up to Ray and sniffs him No, don't lie to me, sit down.
• (talking about Ally being happy thinking about candy)
  Ray: Candy. Huh, you that happy? When's the last time you daydreamed about candy? You can't do that as an adult. You try but you don't get far. Candy, candy, oh cavities. Cavities. Oh, no money. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing? Am I gay? See? Candy, candy doesn't work.
• Marie: There's so much silverware on the table. What's all this silverware for?
  Gerard: For you to eat with.
• Debra: (to Ray) What's with your parents? It's like it's the first time they've worn shoes!
• Frank: How much is this STOMP?
  Warren: $40.00
  Frank: For ten bucks, I'll bang on my garbage cans until your ears bleed.
• Lois: We're going to Vietnam.
  Frank: Vietnam? What? You owe Charlie some payback?
• Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?
  Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.
• Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 7 (Your Place or Mine?)

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 7

Your Place or Mine?

Storyline

Marie stays at Raymond and Debra's house after she gets in a fight with Frank. Meanwhile, Frank has the time of his life by himself at home, and Raymond starts getting used to having his mom spoil him again.

Quotes

• Ray: Ha ha. You thought I could never get the kids to nap!
  Debra: Good job, honey.
  Ray: By the way.. Tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
  
• Marie: What?! Debra doesn't put cheese on it?
  Ray: No, she cooks for health.
  Marie: Well, what could be healthier than the food you love!
  Ray: Thanks, doctor!
  
• Debra: God! She doesn't stop! How did you survive with her?
  Ray: I spent most of the time pretending I was asleep.
  Debra: I think she's coming!
  (Ray jumps on the couch and sleeps)
  
• Marie: I made all the things right! Just right! And you have the nerve to say slop to me?!
  Frank: Yes! Slop! Slop to you! Slop... TO... YOU!
  
• Debra: Where's Frank?
  Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.
  
• Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my headstone!
  
• Debra: (To Ray about Marie) Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.
  
• Ray: You hear that?
  Debra: No, I don't hear anything.
  Ray: That's the sound of all our clothes being refolded.
  
• Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!
  
• Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 6 (Frank, the Writer)

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 6

Frank, the Writer

Storyline

Frank believes that he has become a professional writer after a joke he submitted gets published in "Reader's Digest."

Quotes

• Marie: Just talk to your dad!
  Ray: Talk to dad?! Where do you come with this stuff, mom?
  
  EDIT SHARE
• Frank: This is the hardest part of writing, isn't it?
  Ray: What?
  Frank: The blank page. It just sits there. Mocks you. Dares you. But go on! Write! Conquer the blank page!
  
• Ray: Hey! You're writing about me!
  Frank: No, I'm not. It's.... Roy!
  Ray: Oh... ok. Thanks. Dad.
  
• Frank: (While Ray's reading his anecdote) Louder and funnier! Stay right! Stay up! Up up!
  
• Debra: You know, I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
  Ray: Did it have to be sex?
  
• Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!
  Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The Digest loves a naughty baby.
  
• Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.
  Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?
  Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.
  Debra: Robert, what is wrong?
  Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.
  Debra: What are you talking about?
  Robert: He is not like Geoffrey; he seems standoffish.
  Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?
  Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 5 (Look Don't Touch)

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 5

Look Don't Touch

Storyline

Debra gets upset with Ray after he sticks his foot in his mouth regarding a sexy new waitress at Nemos.

Quotes

• Ray: How come I'm the noise checker?
  Debra: Because it will look pathetic on the news. Me beaten up while you were sleeping.
  
• (Ray and Debra are sleeping in bed. Debra sits up and turns on the light.)
  Debra: Ray, wake up. Wake up.
  Ray: There's pudding everywhere!
  Debra: Ray, I think I hear something.
  Ray: Does it sound like you talking?
  
• (Frank walks over to where Ray and Bernie are sitting)
  Frank: Hello, ladies!
  Ray: What are you doing here?
  Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.
  Ray: Oh, god.
  Angelina: Hello, will you staying for lunch?
  Frank: Holy crap! Uh... yes, I will, thank you.
  
• Ray: (talking to Angelina) I'm sorry, that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean "little" in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.
  
• Bernie: (Angelina walks away) Ahh, did you smell her?
  Ray: No, I read the sign, Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."
  
• Bernie: Oh, man, look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?
  Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 4 (Standard Deviation)

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 4

Storyline

The results of an I.Q. Ray and Debra take for Robert's police training create a lot of tension, but Robert may have the last laugh on both of them.

Quotes

Bernie Gruenfelder: All you have to do is type your browser to www.bernie.com and there I am straddling a jet ski. Oh sorry Ray. We know about computers but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot.
Ray Barone: [He looks depressed. Bernie laughs]
Debra Barone: Come on Bernie he didn't tell you about the test so you could make fun of him!
Bernie Gruenfelder: You know nothing about friendship

Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
Debra: (sarcastically) Oh, guess who wrote that...
Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence, Ray.
Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

Frank Barone: I don't want my brain measured! It's gotten me this far.

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 3 (I Wish I Were Gus) (27 Sep. 1996)

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 3

Storyline

Ray has to deliver the eulogy at his Uncle Gus's funeral, but he spends more time at the funeral trying to settle a dispute between Marie and her sister.

Quotes

Debra Barone: [Ray and Debra stop Ally running through the house] Is that my laundry marker? Honey were you drawing on the walls again?

Debra Barone: [innocently] No I drew on Geoffrey

Debra Barone: [She walks into the kitchen and returns a moment later with Geoffrey. Under his nose is a black toothbrush moustache] Bad news for Europe Ray.

Ray Barone: [He grabs a tissue] I got it. See it's coming off. It's not coming off

Robert Barone: [at the funeral] Bride's side or groom's side?

Ray Barone: [Silently stares at Robert]

Robert Barone: I'm lightening the mood

Ray Barone: If you don't forgive Aunt Alda no one at this funeral is going to have a good time. 

Debra: (After seeing Geoffrey with a Hitler moustache) Bad news for Europe, Ray.

Frank: (To Ray) When your mother is upset she doesn't cook. When she doesn't cook I don't eat. You do the math.

Marie: (To Ray) Did your father send you? He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding day.

Alda: What's your problem, Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.

Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!

Marie: You know what Alda would do? She'd read my diary. She put my dolls in odd positions. She'd wear my clothes, steal my boyfriends.

Ray: Really? What kind of positions?

Ray: Some funeral, huh?

Debra: Yeah.

Ray: Wanna do it?

Marie: You never even sent a gift.

Alda: My gift was that I came at all.

Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

(Ally drew a moustache on Geoffrey)

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?

Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray: What?

Debra: A man who does the dishes.

Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy.

Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank: It was his dying wish.

Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this. Your great-uncle Gus—dead!

Ray: Oh, no, I liked him.

Robert: Yeah, me, too—hey, nuts

• 
  

Everybody Loves Raymond Season 1 Episode 2

Storyline

Ray can't say "I love you" to Debra, and he traces the source of his problem back to his parents.

Quotes

Raymond "Ray" Barone: Dad, let me ask you somthin'. When was the last time you ever said "I love you" to... anyone?
Frank Barone: "I love you"?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah.
Frank Barone: What do you live in, a freckin' Fairy Land or something?

Debra Barone: I can't believe this.
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then go to the movies!